Who’s in Control?

This is a common theme that surfaces in my discussions with teachers and administrators. I felt it important to share again, since it often times seems more difficult for the adults to give up or share control than it is for children. It’s a somewhat more mentalistic perspective than I normally present, but sometimes doing the work starts with mindset.

If you’re anything like me, you may have a difficult time controlling all the parts of your own life. If you have to control another person’s life on top of that, you’re going to get tired very quickly. Throw in a classroom of little lives to control and you’re on the rode to a breakdown sooner rather than later! As parents and teachers we often battle over control with our kids and students. I admit there are many times that I can be found guilty of the crime of power hunger. The hardest part about power and control is recognizing whether you have too much of it or too little. Our behavior tends to give us subtle hints even when we aren’t overtly thinking about it. We usually react when there is an imbalance of control whether we consciously realize it or not.

Often times we talk about children choosing behavior for control. We need to consider that control can take on more than one form. When looking at patterns of behavior, we have to answer the question, is the child attempting to gain control or does he already have it? We frequently feel the need to take charge and remove all opportunities for control. Having an iron fist of control in the classroom or at home is much like squeezing putty in your hands, as you squeeze tighter the putty inevitably seeps out. However by attempting to exert all the power and control you unintentionally lose it. In an attempt to hoard all opportunities for control, you create a condition in which the children make every attempt to gain some semblance of control in their lives.

Here we have two conditions. In the first condition one person has too much control. In the other condition the person has too little. Most people would like harmony in their lives and most of us would like to be fun to be around. In order to create this harmony we have to be able to create a balance of control. To do this, ask yourself these questions:

What is being controlled?
Contrary to popular belief, “control” itself is not a function of behavior. Therefore you must ask yourself what specifically is being controlled? At its most fundamental, behavior occurs either to gain access to something or to escape/avoid something. Knowing the behavioral function will help you make sure you’re addressing the behavior from the right perspective and avoiding unnecessary power struggles. See Functions of Behavior: Everybody E.A.T.S.

Is there a balance?
Good vs. bad, black vs. white, right vs. wrong, action and reaction, there are always forces at work that create a balance. Is control any different? A big step toward progress is to recognize that the scales of control are off balance.

Who has the control?
Does one person have the upper hand in the situation? If the child has the control, you’re going to need to set limits in order to regain some. If you have the control, guess what, it’s time to give some up in order to restore balance.

What am I willing to share?
Sometimes the hardest decision to make is what you are willing to give up, especially when you are used to having it all. Contrary to popular belief, most of the time, providing a child with choices is actually okay. You can have control by setting the limits and providing structure to the choices, the child gets control over which choice to make. Sounds like a win-win situation doesn’t it?

What am I willing to keep?
Sometimes it’s necessary to hold on to the choices. Situations involving safety usually come to mind here. Everybody has some “have to’s”, just don’t let them prevent you from finding some middle ground.

When we have too much or too little control over our lives we become stressed. When this happens we tend to overreact or under react and end up in the power struggles that we are trying to avoid. Remember that if control is not given, it will eventually be taken.

Reinforcement from Baby and Parent’s Point of View

Sometimes as parents it can be difficult recognizing examples of Positive and Negative Reinforcement. Often, but not always, in many scenarios both forms of reinforcement can be in effect, depending on your perspective. Here is a scenario (with some graphics) with which I’m sure most parents are all too familiar:

Baby just wants his pacifier, but he doesn’t know how to get it so he cries. If parent gives Baby the pacifier, it increases the likelihood that Baby will cry the next time he wants his pacifier. If Baby cries to gain access to his pacifier, then this would be an example of Positive Reinforcement for Baby’s crying.

In negative reinforcement, an unpleasant stimulus is withdrawn from the equation, once the desired response is generated. Looking at this situation from the parent’s point of view, she just wants Baby to stop crying. So she gives him his pacifier to get him to stop. If he stops crying, then the parent no longer has to listen to the crying (which is what the parent is trying to avoid). The removal of the crying can become Negative Reinforcement for the parent’s behavior of giving Baby a pacifier whenever he cries.

Holiday Activities That Last

This holiday season as you go out looking for that perfect gift try to think about what you can do to foster social emotional growth in your children as well. I don’t remember a lot of the gifts I received as a kid, but I do remember the traditions and fun activities we had as a family. Kids remember what you do with them more than the things you give them. Below I’ve included just a few ways to spend time and use the holiday season to provide some social emotional bonding for you and your kids.

Trip to the park: You and your child do not have to be “productive” in order to have fun. Get outside and explore or just enjoy the outdoors for a little while. Most cities have a few neighborhoods open for viewing all the holiday decorations and lights.

Help them plan a holiday party for their friends: As children get older their social world is ever-expanding. Teach them (not do for them) how to be a host and prepare for having guests. They’ll appreciate you showing them now, instead of learning how when they are adults.

Let them help “fixing” something broken: I remember helping my parents fix things that were broken. I think it dispels the myth that you must call for help anytime something breaks. I learned how to problem-solve fix problems on my own. Anyone who has hung up Christmas lights knows, it almost never works the first time. Kids can help you problem-solve how to fix it!

Go someplace special with Dad or Mom: Build some one on one time with Dad or Mom, build on your relationship by going somewhere that is just for the two of you.

Bedtime story: Many holiday stories touch on building character and social well-being (with a holiday twist of course). This time of year there are so many great holiday books and stories for young children out there.

Decorating the home for the holidays: Building a gingerbread houses, putting up decorations, trimming the tree. Let the kids take an active part in the process. Let them put their own stamp on your holiday traditions. It’s fun seeing what they come up with!

Christmas day scavenger hunt: Hide a gift and leave successive clues as to how to find them. Ten years down the road they may forgot the iPod you gave them, but they will most definitely remember solving the mystery of how they found it!

Hopefully I was able to include something for every age level. Some are good for any age!

Enjoy the holidays!

ABC’s of Behavior for Kids

This photo taken from http://johnnyholland.org/

Can elementary-aged kids learn to make good choices by teaching them the “ABCs” of behavior? In my opinion, absolutely! As I’ve mentioned before, it’s all about teaching children patterns. A good place to start is by explaining the “ABCs” of behavior. Kids learn that there is always an Antecedent, or trigger, for a particular Behavior. For every behavior, there is a Consequence. Students may not be able to control the antecedents, but they can learn to control their responses to them. Then, by their responses they can either gain access to favorable consequences, or escape and avoid negative ones.

Most children naturally desire more control over their lives, and effective parents and teachers show them how. Learning to make choices about their behavior helps children gain the independence they want. A key element in all this is teaching students what is considered appropriate or acceptable behavior, and what is considered as inappropriate behavior. For a lot our kids, this may be their first time learning how and why they should behave differently. For others, they have learned through experience that misbehavior has gained access to or escape certain conditions.

Therefore, you have to establish what is and is not acceptable from the beginning. A good recommendation is to discuss classroom and rules of the house:

• What specifically do they look like when performed properly?
• What should you hear when performed properly?
• What are the expectations for when they go from one place to another or one classroom to another?

Clear and simple explanations with their examples and non-examples leave nothing open for misinterpretation. To accomplish this, video modeling, role-play, and contrived real-life situations help make this information tangible for the students. You can also pre-plan or debrief scenarios and real-life events using behavior maps. A behavior map provides a visual of the antecedent-behavior-consequence chain. You then guide them to identify what to fill in for each part of the map, the trigger, their behavior choice(s), and the consequence obtained.

From here on out it’s a matter of follow-up. You can pre-teach situations in which they must use the skills they have learned to gain positive outcomes. Once in those situations you can reinforce through praise or providing access to those desired outcomes. Initially some form of tangible reward will help to reinforce the behavior. Many people use token economy systems to provide immediate feedback, tokens can be later exchanged for backup reinforcers (prizes, activities, etc). Over time, tangible rewards can be faded out and social rewards faded in until eventually “good” behavior often becomes reward itself.

Now I make this sound easy and like it happens overnight. Unfortunately, behavior change takes time and patience, as well as being fairly systematic in your approach. There is a degree of precision required, and before starting any major behavior change program you should consult an expert or highly trained professional such as a Board Certified Behavior Analyst.

Who is this kid??

Have you ever watched your kids interact with friends or other adults and ask yourself, “Who is this kid?”

As our children get older they become exposed to larger group of people. Parents, at least in the earlier years, have a great influence over how, when, and with whom children can interact. However, upon entering school age they begin to make connections with people that are no longer under our influence (although many of us try hard manage that too). What effect does this have on our children’s behavior and is that okay?

From a parent point of view I think it is perfectly okay. My role is to be their guide and to help shape their decision making so they can become well adjusted adults. I can teach rules, give examples, and model acceptable behavior. I can provide consequences for good and bad behavior and have them practice and role-play. But the choice is really their’s to make.

As our children get older their behaviors increasingly come under the influence of the social groups with which they associate. Therefore certain behaviors which you might never see or hear come out when children are with their friends. Think about it, have you ever said or done things with your friends that you would never say or do with your parents? You might praise and/or punish certain behaviors when they are with you. But those same behaviors might not get praised and/or punished by their friends.

It’s okay that these social contingencies exist, it’s all part of growing up. It’s okay that my son acts differently with his friends than he does with me. We have a different relationship. However as a dad, I must also teach him the social emotional competencies that help him build positive relationships and guide him to making good decisions. The key here is providing guidance in shaping their own goal setting behaviors. We can help (not force) them to decide what they want to do with their lives, both in the short term and long term. Sounds an awful lot like providing them with choices doesn’t it?

I think it is essential to show them where the biggest payoff is. If the bigger payoff is gained by acting a certain way with their friends, then obviously their friends have the greater influence. However as parents we need to help them recognize the greater payoff is by making decisions that help them achieve their goals. A child who is frequently given choices becomes more adept at making good choices later in life when peer pressures are at their greatest. Therefore when they are put into situations over which we have no control, they will have a greater ability to make positive choices that will help them achieve short and long term goals.

 

What are some ways you foster positive decision-making with your kids? Please feel free to share!

Don’t Squeeze the Spaghetti!

Grab a handful of cooked spaghetti and squeeze. If the spaghetti seeps out just squeeze tighter. If the spaghetti continues to seep out, don’t worry squeezing harder will eventually work. Now, if you have been able to keep the spaghetti in your hands stop reading. If you’ve managed to let the spaghetti fall out of your hand, here’s a towel to clean up the mess you have made.

Trying to maintain complete order in the classroom or at home is much like squeezing cooked spaghetti in your hands, as you squeeze tighter the spaghetti just continues to seep out. As teachers and parents we often attempt to corral all opportunities for control. However, in doing so you can unintentionally create a condition in which the child makes every attempt to regain some semblance of control in their lives.

Sometimes it feels easier to take charge and remove all opportunities for control. Yet, by attempting to exert all the power and control you unintentionally lose it. What we need to consider is the power of choices.

I recently watched a teacher tell a student everything he couldn’t do and everything he had to do, right now. For example, she told him not to leave his seat. The student’s reaction, “watch me”. I asked the teacher if I could intervene. With her permission I stepped up to him and said, “I notice you might be a bit upset, if you care to talk about it, I’m here. In the meantime, if you care to work instead that’s fine too. Let me know what you decide.” Then I walked away.

The student, apparently trying to save face, didn’t respond for a minute or so. But eventually he asked for his work assignment. I offered him the opportunity to talk during lunch and he nodded.

Using this strategy I was able to get the student to not only do what I really wanted him to do. I also got him to talk about what was truly bothering him later on. Why? Not because I made him do it, but because he felt he had the choice. I offered him some options, both of which I was perfectly fine with. Sometimes we just don’t give kids enough credit.

He could easily have chosen unspoken option C, do nothing. I would have been fine with that as well. Eventually he would want something from me. In that moment, I would come back to the problem at hand. In order to get whatever it is I can provide, I only make it available when he “fixes” the problem.

So the next time you feel the need to squeeze every ounce of control, you can provide some choices from the start, or keep a towel on hand to clean up the mess.

Social Emotional Learning: A Mindset for Teachers and Parents

While conducting staff development today on social emotional learning, I began contemplating our true purpose and goal for teaching social emotional learning. I realized that teaching social emotional wellness skills requires a certain mindset.

As parents and teachers we must maintain a mindset that social emotional learning is not about teaching children how to behave, it’s about teaching children how to belong. When a maladaptive behavior surfaces, we must recognize that behavior is only a symptom. The presenting behavior manifests itself due to one or more social emotional deficits. Once we identify that deficit we can work on the next step, conducting some functional analysis, or determining the “why”. With this information we can begin adjusting our instruction and the environment to help the child acquire the skill.

Armed with information and a sense of vision, we can go about the work of promoting social success. Every interaction we have with our children should be driven by a vision of life-long social emotional success. Every situation is an opportunity to help your children achieve that vision. We must be intentional in every moment possible to teach and model the skills necessary for children to develop a feeling that they are a part of something greater. By helping our children develop these social emotional skills, we help them learn they are not just “a part of it”, but also feel like the they are accepted and contribute to the world. In other words, to belong.

Mindsets for Teachers of Children with Emotional and Behavior Disorders: #6 Control is Best Shared

If you’re anything like me, you may have a difficult time controlling all the parts of your own life. If you have to control another person’s life on top of that, you’re going to get tired very quickly. Throw in a classroom of little lives to control and you’re on the rode to a breakdown sooner rather than later! As parents and teachers we often battle over control with our kids and students. I admit there are many times that I can be found guilty of the crime of power hunger. The hardest part about power and control is recognizing whether you have too much of it or too little. Our behavior tends to give us subtle hints even when we aren’t overtly thinking about it. We usually react when there is an imbalance of control whether we consciously realize it or not.

Often times we talk about children choosing behavior for control. We need to consider that control can take on more than one form. When looking at patterns of behavior, we have to answer the question, is the child attempting to gain control or does he already have it? We frequently feel the need to take charge and remove all opportunities for control. Having an iron fist of control in the classroom or at home is much like squeezing putty in your hands, as you squeeze tighter the putty inevitably seeps out. However by attempting to exert all the power and control you unintentionally lose it. In an attempt to hoard all opportunities for control, you create a condition in which the children make every attempt to gain some semblance of control in their lives.

Here we have two conditions. In the first condition one person has too much control. In the other condition the person has too little. Most people would like harmony in their lives and most of us would like to be fun to be around. In order to create this harmony we have to be able to create a balance of control. To do this, ask yourself these questions:

Is there a balance?
Good vs. bad, black vs. white, right vs. wrong, action and reaction, there are always forces at work that create a balance. Is control any different? A big step toward progress is to recognize that the scales of control are off balance.

Who has the control?
Does one person have the upper hand in the situation? If the child has the control, you’re going to need to set limits in order to regain some. If you have the control, guess what, it’s time to give some up in order to restore balance.

What am I willing to share?
Sometimes the hardest decision to make is what you are willing to give up, especially when you are used to having it all. Contrary to popular belief, most of the time, providing a child with choices is actually okay. You can have control by setting the limits and providing structure to the choices, the child gets control over which choice to make. Sounds like a win-win situation doesn’t it?

What am I willing to keep?
Sometimes it’s necessary to hold on to the choices. Situations involving safety usually come to mind here. Everybody has some “have to’s”, just don’t let them prevent you from finding some middle ground.

When we have too much or too little control over our lives we become stressed. When this happens we tend to overreact or under react and end up in the power struggles that we are trying to avoid. Remember that if control is not given, it will eventually be taken.